My Story;

so scary

Same exact story. Almost the same people. Same time from last year. All happening again. This time I know not to get involved though lol. Shiiiiit

just because

I don’t have the same priorities as you doesn’t mean you have to punish me for it.. And just because i have other friends as do you, doesnt mean you should penalize me for it. Dude ive known you for how long now, grow up. I thought our friendship was more than that but I guess not. But then again why am I even surprised?,shit sucks and I would normally be more upset but at this point in my life I dont have time for your shit.

How do you miss someone you don’t even remember meeting?

My grandma died four months after my 1st birthday. I was too little then to even remember her, so I don’t know what she looks like except for pictures I saw when I was like in elementary school. Two days ago I had a dream about her. It was just us two from what I can remember outside of my house in Seattle. It was spring/summer beause that’s when the flowers come out and I remember seeing those big red flowers in the background. She didn’t say anything, in fact we were just standing by a table eating these chestnuts that I always see my mom eating time to time lol.

But when I woke up, I wasn’t confused or wondering who that old woman was I was eating chest nuts with. I knew right when I woke up that it was my grandma, and then suddenly an overwhelming emotion came over me. I was missing her all of a sudden so much. The funny thing is, most of my CLEAREST memories are betwee 4-10 years of age. Not middle school, not high school, not even college. It takes more time for me to remember an event that happened in those 3 times of my life than it does for me to remember a simple comment my mom made or something I over heard when I was really young. I remember when I was younger I felt GUILTY that i didn’t miss her. I mean how could i, i barely remembered what she looked like let alone the memories my mom told me about the two of us together. I used to force myself to believe that I did miss her in order for the guilt to go away but even when I tried it wasn’t real.

Later on I immediately texted my mom saying my grandmother “visited” me in my dreams perhaps and she was so excited. She kept asking me questions about it and  i felt so bad that i didn’t remember most of it. :( My mom lost her mom at such a young age and when I think of me losing my mom at 30, i can’t even think about it. Not having a mother around when you have two young infants must be hard. Who do you call when you don’t know what to do? Or if you need help? Or just someone to talk to. It just made me feel really bad about myself when I realized that’s probably why my mom tried/tries so hard to talk to me about my life. I always thought she was being nosey and wouldn’t leave me a lone but that’s not the case at all. My mom loves me and wants the same relationship that she had with her mom. She wants to know how i’m doing, who my friends are, my goals and aspirations. She wanted to know every bit of my life and I couldn’t understand why she was always in my face about it.

I can’t take back the time I wasted being the ungrateful teenager to my parents, especially my mom. I can’t take back all the times i yelled at her and told her to leave me alone. I’ve spent so much time resenting her for always being in my business that i forgot for too long that she lost her mommy and wants to get as much time with me because time is precious. All i can do from here on out is to treat her as the queen she deserves to be treated as.

Worst fucking stomach pains

in my life today. Like wtf i’ve been dry heaving (sp) this entire day, have trouble taking deep breaths, and nauseous. Ugh. Phone off, music on, time to get a light workout in at least after one more post.

people pissin me off now a days

Whether it be the shit they say or the way they act, if you dont want me there dont invite me. And this is why I was fine being alone.

Irritated beyond belief

With little comments people make. I don’t know if it’s just because of my time of the month but I’m annoyed. Ugh.

And my hair is a whole nother’ story. I keep dying it red and it’s so hard to maintain now it feels like crumpled leaves all dry and shet. ahflaksfhashflas.

BUT on a good note i lost another 2 lbs. whooo. 10 lbs away from my goal weight <3

just had

A nervous break down.

As much as I want to

Go to some cali raves in the summer with my friends, I’d rather save money to go home. Yeah it only happens once a year, but unlike most of my friends here, I can’t just fly a 45 minute flight or drive home. I haven’t been home in almost 2 years and old friends>rave by a million.